Domestic abuse, "it's complicated..."

"Yes it is. But the real question is— are we willing to look at it? 
Really look at it.
 
I noticed in the few earnest interviews of substance––when the matter was about to be actually authentically addressed— it was always stopped with the words — it's complicated. 
 
Well it is complicated. But that's exactly the place where we need to begin the discussion and movein, become aware, investigate, and understand what motivates it––and not stop it. Why are we afraid to really solve this problem issue?
 
Every interview throughout those first days of saturation coverage, with the endless shocking video of knockout and callous dragging of a woman who was fiancé who is now the wife of NFL "player" Rice––had lots of blame and outrage, but little understanding.
 
As soon as anyone began to touch the crux of the matter with an honest firsthand description it was interrupted and stopped with the words "it's complicated".
 
Yes it is complicated and it involves a number of very diverse blind spots. And every time we get close to really looking at it, we move––to usually a polarizing diversion––to avoid the embarrassing pain of looking deeper. 
 
Do we address solutions by sincerely considering how men and women treat each other? Is there an expectation of respect and affection and regard and compassion as we talk to each other? Do we look at how we neglect and abuse children in homes and schools and institutionally, both in public and in private?
 
Violence and abuse never solve problems.  They are the cause of them…
 
All the tools of denial – addictions: drugs, violence, polarized politics in media and thought, and above all, projection everywhere– in everything from war to entertainment—this is what we are doing. To change we must look at ourselves.
 
There is an epidemic of fake in our country and the world––an acceptance of fake that forces us not to see, fake that causes problems, fake that hurts, and yes fake that kills--
 
Why are we drawn to this fake thinking? Trillions and trillions of dollars spent to avoid, dis-inform (lie) to polarize and distract— and why?
 
Politics and media and business and all our institutions have gone off the deep end. Why?
 
Fortunately, inevitably, whether we like it or not— privately and publicly we are all on a collision course with reality--and growing up.
 
The NFL is now an example of the violence; the trillions of dollars; denial and a callous disconnect that needs to be healed.
 
The human race is in a frantic struggle to simultaneously face itself and simultaneously avoid self-awareness and therefore any self-correction. This polarization is revealed in the makeup of the nation being so evenly divided on almost everything––with real ignorance on all sides.
 
We can blame it on capitalism but capitalism is just a tool we misuse. It is always the misuse that we must address. This is what regulations are for. Greed is by definition needless and destructive excess––more is never enough. It is a psychological aberration. The true source that drives it––is a fear that dissolves ethics and accounts for the emotional disconnect from compassion and life that people have when being greedy.  Blindness and ruthlessness are just the cover for unconsciousness and fear. But we need not go along. Pay dirt comes from tracking down where we lie––deceive.
Biologically and spiritually we are social animals, so by nature it fulfills us to help each other. Sadly, the drive to be fake is for approval and it has an opposite effect––because the nature of connection requires being real.
The process of being fake when relating in a relationship––breaks the human connection.
It is this painful loss of connection, which hurts and feels threatening and causes fearful insecurity.
 
Hypocrisy comes when you can't face yourself. To grow up, we personally must shift our energy from fakeness, manipulation and appearances––to the healthy satisfaction that comes in the maturing process of supporting self-correction. Confidence and maturity come by discovering where we lie, because it shows us where we need compassion and change.
 
The guide for self-correction is away from that which harms others and ourselves. 
 
We don't have to buy it when others are afraid to see themselves. We only need to understand that the more pathetically ruthless someone is the more profound is their self-hatred and their need for a wall of denial.  
 
Our job is to see ourselves. Friends and lovers kindly help each other. You are sitting in the piece of the planet you have true control over. In the end, we are all learning to bring light into life. 
 
"What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and yet lose his soul"?
 
So really, we use denial, projection, manipulation, money, greed and violence to cover our terror, loneliness and self-hatred. Efforts to heal old wounds by denying them just leaves us with an inner anger that we compulsively project on to others––which just makes more harm. All of this is guaranteed only to make matters so bad that ultimately we may be forced to see. 
 
Have you noticed? –––
Judges who are unjust, physically abusive to their own family, yet stay on the bench to dispense "justice" to the public; priests and ministers who sexually abused children by the thousands, and were enabled in it, from the highest levels of their "spiritual" hierarchy; a healthcare system that too often offers little health and even less care; the "care" is for the profit. It's like prostitution for money, sexual "intimacy" without love, the power of great intrusion without respect and care.  Too many officers of the law sworn to "protect and serve" are gunning down unarmed citizens or just arrogantly behaving like "secret police/storm troopers" with the right to abuse. 
 
There is just too much abuse––and it is in every human institution. This can only happen because we individually and collectively cause/allow it.
 
Going to war for "freedom and democracy" for the benefit of war profiteers of all kinds, along with massive secret government surveillance of our own citizens. Bombing with "collateral damage", killing families and children in other countries to "stop terrorism".
 
This is obviously all painfully self destructive and dysfunctional thinking, all strikingly hypocritical and fake. It is overwhelming but every day we face more. 
 
Because it is so strongly everywhere, affecting everyone, it portends a massive shift in awareness.  As the many crises multiply around us, we may begin to notice a choice to be stuck in anger, violence and danger or move to see more compassionate creative opportunities to grow.
 
The other big defense is denial––to just ignore and deny anything too painful or inconvenient to see. it is a defense of the brain when overloaded, so understandable––but as we mature we develop the capability to share the load and invent many solutions.  
 
From the personal to the global­­­­­­ we are all needing to change––to care. For example, by denying global warming and pollution we can say that our abuse of the planet and our children and ourselves just doesn't exist. Perhaps the real psychological problem is the lack of maturity to face and solve problems that seem too big. Denial has so often been humanities’ solution of choice through the ages. Perhaps we are struggling to grow up. Perhaps we are reaching a tipping point and we will be able to grow up.
 
Human beings have lived for very long time thinking that if we all say, "it is so" enough to each other, then it is. 
 
Telltale symptoms of this kind of thinking are the "right" to use cruel Intimidation to get this agreement so that we won't have to change or think. The social power to sneer at and smear others to intimidate them is another sign. We are social beings and we need each other. But simultaneously, with science, technology and global communication we are collectively running more quickly into reality.
 
Arrogance is always a sign of weakness and fear.
The need to intimidate and control others comes from immaturity and weakness. Bullying is always fear-driven.
This is the crux of domestic violence.  We want to control or blame others to quell our fears. This has been humanities’ childish but compellingly common solution for millennia. It is still a characteristic of our species wide immaturity. As we review history we realize how common is this human failing. We need to see it as a psychological defense that is dysfunctional, unethical and it fails us––both men and women.  It is time to see that it is undone by seeing new avenues of development.
 
Collectively, as we mature we must shine the light on fear with compassion and undo its power. 
 
The good news is––reality exists––and this is what shows up when you're ready to grow up and heal. 
 
We think we cannot handle it. We so want to be right. If we risked being honest, we would discover that we are all suffering from a developmental thinking problem. A thinking style that causes simplistic reactionary polarization––which fails us. It limits us, makes us think we are either too corrupt or too powerless, or that there's nothing wrong.  Or it's the way people are. It'll pass. All of these dismissive extremes just narrows our options and thought––and paralyzes us. Old-style thinking keeps us from the earnest power of deeper consideration and compassion––for this is what opens us to understanding and transformation. This is where our human brilliance is.
 
The good news is––we can change in order to heal, it requires only one thing... Be willing.
 
The truth does set us free––we just need to be willing to look at it. And when it is complex/hard to look at–-open up to compassion and courage––be patient. If we give up trying to control everyone else and just self-correct our selves––step by step we will see and feel the truth.
The truth is transformative––it lives in reality.  
All we need be is willing and up for the adventure. 
Understanding lies within the complications––if we will look and self-correct––transformation happens––for real.
Facing this is what gives us wisdom. It’s how we grow up.
All we need be is willing. 

Patricia Sun © All Rights Reserved 2014